Early life
Ways God spoke to my
My struggle
The rebirth
The joy of victorious life
My early life was, as with most South African children quite peaceful and ordinary. I grew up in a family with a typical secular Christian life and in a secular church (at that stage one of the major churches in the country).
I can remember one thing very clearly. One day I was trying to fly a home made kite but it didn’t want to fly, I became so cross because I knew God is the Owner of the wind and the wind didn’t want to blow hard enough so that the kite will fly. I did something terrible, I cursed at God for not making my kite fly. I was surprised to find my mother dragging me to the room and giving me the beating of my life because she heard everything I said outside. I thank God for a mother like mine.
Shortly after this incident I came under a conviction of sin and the terrible life I lived, then I did the only thing a child of my age could do, I ask God one night to make me a child of him. We must be very careful what we ask of God, because we might just get what we ask for.
My father was a very gentle man. Once we were at a shop and in front of us was a mentally handicapped person. She wanted to buy a toy or something and the lady at the till didn’t want to give it to her because she didn’t had enough money. My father went to the shop lady and told her to give the toy to the customer. He offered to pay for it even if we had to put some of our groceries back, because he didn’t know if we had enough money. Although our family life was simple and we didn’t had a lot of money, my father always made time for us, even when he had to work two jobs at some stage to make ends meet. My parents had their mistakes but I know they were primarily doing as the spiritual state of the church was that was leading them at the time. However, one mistake my parents did was to let me start smoking at the age of 13. By that time I was already smoking secretly. They said that they would give me permission to smoke so that I won’t do something stupid like taking drugs. That was the philosophy of the day. I see my parents as people been misled by their church. The institution that was supposed to guide them failed miserably.
As for my sins I can’t give anyone the blame, it was all my own. The love for this world was just too big for me and without any real spiritual guidance a child will be attracted to the things of the world and so was I.
One night when we had family devotion a girl that I knew came to our house and asked for me. She said they’re going out and I must join them and I did. Unfortunately that was also the beginning of my resentment for family devotion.
As I said before at the age of 13 my parents allowed me to smoke openly, what they did not know was that I also started drinking shortly afterwards only on weekends and later even at school. We would steal liquor from our parents, just a little bit from each one so they won’t notice it. I started becoming rebellious at school and at home. I started rejecting all authority. We started a gang. We called ourselves “BC” meaning “Bad Company” (well we were right) but what it really meant was “Before Christ” (this we did not know). Even here I should have seen my mistake, because while we were doing bad things it made me feel uncomfortable but I just did not care. I enjoyed my life like I wanted to, the mistake I made is all explained in the quoted verses:
(Eccl. 11:9) “Rejoice, O young man, in your adolescence, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your [full-grown] youth. And walk in the ways of your heart and in the sight of your eyes, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.”
(Eccl. 11:10) “Therefore remove [the lusts that end in] sorrow and vexation from your heart and mind and put away evil from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity [transitory, idle, empty, and devoid of truth].” [2 Cor. 7:1; 2 Tim. 2:22.]
As it is with depravity it just took me deeper into sin (meaning I became worst and my life became unbearable for myself and others). As the Scripture says; sin brings death, but sometimes it is a slow and painful death. The end was that I made life so unbearable for myself everywhere and especially at school that after all my tough (talking) friends left school (some expelled for drug use on school property and others send to special schools for juveniles, some others ran away. Interestingly enough they all came out of broken homes or dysfunctional homes.) So I was left all alone to face the music.
Then I learned another lesson in life; We may look tough and talk tough on the outside but it all comes down to when you have to stand alone in this world, what will the decisions be that you make? Well when we were together as a gang the (main) 5 of us, we were rather tough. But now when I had to stand alone and had to be the man I thought I was, then I did what all brave gangsters do. “RUN!” I left school in the middle of grade 11 (in my days Standard 9). My excuse was I had enough of it that people should tell me what to do, I wanted to do my own thing (be my own boss) from now on. (That was my excuse for not wanting to face the music alone.)
Then after I left school I had a wakeup call. I was called up for national service, which was compulsory in our days (5 year jail sentence if you don’t show up) and you had no say over your own life, and time for two years. You can imagine me having this idea of being my own boss and no one to shunt me around anymore. This did not go down well with me. Now I had to do everything someone else told me if I wanted to or not. (Lesson learned: There will always be authority over us even if we won’t accept the parental, the law or the governmental authority on earth over us, we will at some stage stand before the Almighty God and we will have to give an account of our lives. He is the ultimate Authority in life. Try as you may there will be no running away from that.)
Ways God spoke to me
If anyone tells me they don’t feel the pull of the Spirit of God in there lives and hearts, I will say they are lying to themselves. The one thing that I realised in my life was the effort that is made by God the Holy Spirit to bring me to the place where He wants all His children to be as a loving Father. I think I was like a child that wants to go somewhere or do something, kicking and screaming against the restraints of a loving father that knows if he would let the child go, he will put him in danger. The child does not think of this, only of the fact that he wants to get there and his father is keeping him away. That was my idea of religion, it was only there to take away or restrain me from what I wanted to enjoy.
While I was in the national service I went from bad to worse. Now I could do whatever I want and as much as I pleased, in my free time. I lived 100% for the pleasures of this world. My “motto”; get as rich as possible (by whatever means it takes) and use everything to enjoy life to the fullest. I did every horrible thing humanly possible you can imagine. I nearly ended up a few times in hospital from alcohol poisoning, because of abusing it.
I never had a lasting relationship with anyone, relationships with girls would last only for a maximum of three months and then I needed something new. All the time my life was falling apart and I did not realise it.
At this stage the Lord started speaking more in a direct way to me about my life, especially through Christians. For instance when I would walk in the streets of Cape Town and Christian people doing evangelism would try to speak to me I would retaliate and threaten them if they try to speak with me.
God also wanted me to start thinking of the coming life (eternal life) not just this present one. One day a friend and I, doing national service together decided to collect souvenirs for ourselves. We wanted mortars as souvenirs. (Mortars are weapons that is used by infantry, and is thrown in a tube, and when it hits the bottom of the tube it fires, it is then propelled in the direction it was aimed. It will then explode on impact when it reached the target. It also has different sizes). While we were collecting these souvenirs I saw one that I needed to finish my collection. I went to it and was pulling it out of the ground when suddenly there were just flames and dust and I felt this massive jerk on my hand. What I did not know was that this mortar was a dud. Luckily for me this mortar was one that is used to provide light at night. The moment I touched the mortar the timer went on zero and it did what it was supposed to do in the air, in my hand. At that moment I did not think of how happy I was that I survived, because we had to get away before anyone found us there. We knew that the sound would have been heard by someone. I ran in the direction I saw that my friend was also running. When we got to a bush that we could hide behind we jumped behind it and wait to see if someone heard the noise. While we were lying there and waiting for everything to settle, a thought came to me very clearly like a voice; “what would have happen if I died today”. Well as the dust settled I also forgot the thought, and went on with my way of living.
I finished national service and started working. Obviously I was not happy with the lifestyle that the money I was earning, provided. Being ambitious and always looking for something better and not happy with the work that I was doing, (being someone’s slave, while waiting to start an apprenticeship). I was becoming more and more unhappy with my situation.
Then one day I got the work that I thought was the one that will provide for my needs, I was accepted as a learner train driver. Only a few get accepted every time. Everything went well. I even gave some of the honour to God for helping me getting the job. But how sad, I made the same mistake so many people make by thinking that money will help you to rise out of this (Spiritual) state we are so unhappy with. With all the money (one of the best paid jobs then for any person without a degree), I had to borrow money from my parents at the middle of the month (for cigarettes and fuel).
Then one day I was working on my car that was standing on a jack. I was sitting with my legs underneath the car and me in the wheel arch. The car came off the jack and I was stuck under it. I had to call my mother to come and help me to get the jack in under the car again and the car off me. Guess what, yes, the same thought came to me “what would have happened if I died today”. Well by now you will think, this guy must get the message right? NO!!
Then sometime later I was driving my car to work early in the morning and I was trying to light a cigarette, the burning cigarette fell on my lap while I was driving. As I looked down to get it before it will burn me or the seat, (they say cigarettes will kill you, it can do it in more ways than you think), I drove through a red light and as I looked up a car was coming from the side and would have rammed my car on the driver side. Again by a miracle the man in the other vehicle managed to swing the car away so that it did not hit my car. The man was obviously very upset with me. When he drove away a thought came to me. “One day I will be in an accident and then I will find out what will happen to me”. Then I did some thing very strange I prayed in my head that if this should happen, God will not make other people suffer for my mistakes. (I already knew I was in the wrong.) This all happened a few months before my accident.
But first more on the spiritual struggle I had. So why would you think I am telling you this: maybe to scare you into the kingdom of God? Maybe that God used scare tactics on me? No, not at all! There is a fear that can drive you in that direction, but we will never receive Christ as our Lord and Saviour because of fear. I told you this so that you would see that I did not have any excuses if I died, because although I said and made as if I did not believe in God or cared about eternity, I lied to myself because in my subconscious mind I still knew I would have to face God at sometime. And that is the only truth. We can deny God, we can curse Him, we can say He does not exist and we do not believe in a God. We can suppress our subconscious as much as we want to, it will still warn us of the coming day we will stand in front of an Almighty God.
My struggle
The rebirth
The joy of victorious life
My early life was, as with most South African children quite peaceful and ordinary. I grew up in a family with a typical secular Christian life and in a secular church (at that stage one of the major churches in the country).
I can remember one thing very clearly. One day I was trying to fly a home made kite but it didn’t want to fly, I became so cross because I knew God is the Owner of the wind and the wind didn’t want to blow hard enough so that the kite will fly. I did something terrible, I cursed at God for not making my kite fly. I was surprised to find my mother dragging me to the room and giving me the beating of my life because she heard everything I said outside. I thank God for a mother like mine.
Shortly after this incident I came under a conviction of sin and the terrible life I lived, then I did the only thing a child of my age could do, I ask God one night to make me a child of him. We must be very careful what we ask of God, because we might just get what we ask for.
My father was a very gentle man. Once we were at a shop and in front of us was a mentally handicapped person. She wanted to buy a toy or something and the lady at the till didn’t want to give it to her because she didn’t had enough money. My father went to the shop lady and told her to give the toy to the customer. He offered to pay for it even if we had to put some of our groceries back, because he didn’t know if we had enough money. Although our family life was simple and we didn’t had a lot of money, my father always made time for us, even when he had to work two jobs at some stage to make ends meet. My parents had their mistakes but I know they were primarily doing as the spiritual state of the church was that was leading them at the time. However, one mistake my parents did was to let me start smoking at the age of 13. By that time I was already smoking secretly. They said that they would give me permission to smoke so that I won’t do something stupid like taking drugs. That was the philosophy of the day. I see my parents as people been misled by their church. The institution that was supposed to guide them failed miserably.
As for my sins I can’t give anyone the blame, it was all my own. The love for this world was just too big for me and without any real spiritual guidance a child will be attracted to the things of the world and so was I.
One night when we had family devotion a girl that I knew came to our house and asked for me. She said they’re going out and I must join them and I did. Unfortunately that was also the beginning of my resentment for family devotion.
As I said before at the age of 13 my parents allowed me to smoke openly, what they did not know was that I also started drinking shortly afterwards only on weekends and later even at school. We would steal liquor from our parents, just a little bit from each one so they won’t notice it. I started becoming rebellious at school and at home. I started rejecting all authority. We started a gang. We called ourselves “BC” meaning “Bad Company” (well we were right) but what it really meant was “Before Christ” (this we did not know). Even here I should have seen my mistake, because while we were doing bad things it made me feel uncomfortable but I just did not care. I enjoyed my life like I wanted to, the mistake I made is all explained in the quoted verses:
(Eccl. 11:9) “Rejoice, O young man, in your adolescence, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your [full-grown] youth. And walk in the ways of your heart and in the sight of your eyes, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.”
(Eccl. 11:10) “Therefore remove [the lusts that end in] sorrow and vexation from your heart and mind and put away evil from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity [transitory, idle, empty, and devoid of truth].” [2 Cor. 7:1; 2 Tim. 2:22.]
As it is with depravity it just took me deeper into sin (meaning I became worst and my life became unbearable for myself and others). As the Scripture says; sin brings death, but sometimes it is a slow and painful death. The end was that I made life so unbearable for myself everywhere and especially at school that after all my tough (talking) friends left school (some expelled for drug use on school property and others send to special schools for juveniles, some others ran away. Interestingly enough they all came out of broken homes or dysfunctional homes.) So I was left all alone to face the music.
Then I learned another lesson in life; We may look tough and talk tough on the outside but it all comes down to when you have to stand alone in this world, what will the decisions be that you make? Well when we were together as a gang the (main) 5 of us, we were rather tough. But now when I had to stand alone and had to be the man I thought I was, then I did what all brave gangsters do. “RUN!” I left school in the middle of grade 11 (in my days Standard 9). My excuse was I had enough of it that people should tell me what to do, I wanted to do my own thing (be my own boss) from now on. (That was my excuse for not wanting to face the music alone.)
Then after I left school I had a wakeup call. I was called up for national service, which was compulsory in our days (5 year jail sentence if you don’t show up) and you had no say over your own life, and time for two years. You can imagine me having this idea of being my own boss and no one to shunt me around anymore. This did not go down well with me. Now I had to do everything someone else told me if I wanted to or not. (Lesson learned: There will always be authority over us even if we won’t accept the parental, the law or the governmental authority on earth over us, we will at some stage stand before the Almighty God and we will have to give an account of our lives. He is the ultimate Authority in life. Try as you may there will be no running away from that.)
Ways God spoke to me
If anyone tells me they don’t feel the pull of the Spirit of God in there lives and hearts, I will say they are lying to themselves. The one thing that I realised in my life was the effort that is made by God the Holy Spirit to bring me to the place where He wants all His children to be as a loving Father. I think I was like a child that wants to go somewhere or do something, kicking and screaming against the restraints of a loving father that knows if he would let the child go, he will put him in danger. The child does not think of this, only of the fact that he wants to get there and his father is keeping him away. That was my idea of religion, it was only there to take away or restrain me from what I wanted to enjoy.
While I was in the national service I went from bad to worse. Now I could do whatever I want and as much as I pleased, in my free time. I lived 100% for the pleasures of this world. My “motto”; get as rich as possible (by whatever means it takes) and use everything to enjoy life to the fullest. I did every horrible thing humanly possible you can imagine. I nearly ended up a few times in hospital from alcohol poisoning, because of abusing it.
I never had a lasting relationship with anyone, relationships with girls would last only for a maximum of three months and then I needed something new. All the time my life was falling apart and I did not realise it.
At this stage the Lord started speaking more in a direct way to me about my life, especially through Christians. For instance when I would walk in the streets of Cape Town and Christian people doing evangelism would try to speak to me I would retaliate and threaten them if they try to speak with me.
God also wanted me to start thinking of the coming life (eternal life) not just this present one. One day a friend and I, doing national service together decided to collect souvenirs for ourselves. We wanted mortars as souvenirs. (Mortars are weapons that is used by infantry, and is thrown in a tube, and when it hits the bottom of the tube it fires, it is then propelled in the direction it was aimed. It will then explode on impact when it reached the target. It also has different sizes). While we were collecting these souvenirs I saw one that I needed to finish my collection. I went to it and was pulling it out of the ground when suddenly there were just flames and dust and I felt this massive jerk on my hand. What I did not know was that this mortar was a dud. Luckily for me this mortar was one that is used to provide light at night. The moment I touched the mortar the timer went on zero and it did what it was supposed to do in the air, in my hand. At that moment I did not think of how happy I was that I survived, because we had to get away before anyone found us there. We knew that the sound would have been heard by someone. I ran in the direction I saw that my friend was also running. When we got to a bush that we could hide behind we jumped behind it and wait to see if someone heard the noise. While we were lying there and waiting for everything to settle, a thought came to me very clearly like a voice; “what would have happen if I died today”. Well as the dust settled I also forgot the thought, and went on with my way of living.
I finished national service and started working. Obviously I was not happy with the lifestyle that the money I was earning, provided. Being ambitious and always looking for something better and not happy with the work that I was doing, (being someone’s slave, while waiting to start an apprenticeship). I was becoming more and more unhappy with my situation.
Then one day I got the work that I thought was the one that will provide for my needs, I was accepted as a learner train driver. Only a few get accepted every time. Everything went well. I even gave some of the honour to God for helping me getting the job. But how sad, I made the same mistake so many people make by thinking that money will help you to rise out of this (Spiritual) state we are so unhappy with. With all the money (one of the best paid jobs then for any person without a degree), I had to borrow money from my parents at the middle of the month (for cigarettes and fuel).
Then one day I was working on my car that was standing on a jack. I was sitting with my legs underneath the car and me in the wheel arch. The car came off the jack and I was stuck under it. I had to call my mother to come and help me to get the jack in under the car again and the car off me. Guess what, yes, the same thought came to me “what would have happened if I died today”. Well by now you will think, this guy must get the message right? NO!!
Then sometime later I was driving my car to work early in the morning and I was trying to light a cigarette, the burning cigarette fell on my lap while I was driving. As I looked down to get it before it will burn me or the seat, (they say cigarettes will kill you, it can do it in more ways than you think), I drove through a red light and as I looked up a car was coming from the side and would have rammed my car on the driver side. Again by a miracle the man in the other vehicle managed to swing the car away so that it did not hit my car. The man was obviously very upset with me. When he drove away a thought came to me. “One day I will be in an accident and then I will find out what will happen to me”. Then I did some thing very strange I prayed in my head that if this should happen, God will not make other people suffer for my mistakes. (I already knew I was in the wrong.) This all happened a few months before my accident.
But first more on the spiritual struggle I had. So why would you think I am telling you this: maybe to scare you into the kingdom of God? Maybe that God used scare tactics on me? No, not at all! There is a fear that can drive you in that direction, but we will never receive Christ as our Lord and Saviour because of fear. I told you this so that you would see that I did not have any excuses if I died, because although I said and made as if I did not believe in God or cared about eternity, I lied to myself because in my subconscious mind I still knew I would have to face God at sometime. And that is the only truth. We can deny God, we can curse Him, we can say He does not exist and we do not believe in a God. We can suppress our subconscious as much as we want to, it will still warn us of the coming day we will stand in front of an Almighty God.
My struggle
My sister was a Christian and she would from time to time invite me to go to her youth group. This I handled with mixed emotions, but one day I decided to go and see what makes some Christians happier than other people. What I found was that there were a lot of nice girls and they were so friendly. I obviously did not go for the right reasons! For some reason Christian girls think they must be friendlier towards men, to be Christian. I also found out some of them was not so Christian-like, as they were supposed to be. And this confused me even more. On the one hand I had all the girls available and ready, but on the other hand I thought this is not how a Christian should be. Things I thought was forbidden in Christian life we did in the church. If I was looking for someone to go dancing, I could ask any girl in the church. The only girls that I did not go out with were the ones that I did not want to ask. (Fortunately for them!)
One of the most confusing times in my life started then, because although I liked the freedom we had in the church I also started to realise that what I am doing was not right. This was when one of my biggest battles started. Here I was standing in the middle of enjoying sin and the way of righteousness. (The devil’s recruiting ground is right on the doorsteps and inside the Church).
In a sense being in the church gave me something that I needed, the feeling of wholeness, but I just could not grasp this by myself, try as I may. Now after a year or so of calling myself a ‘Christian’! (I thought if you do not jump into bed with every girl, only the ones that want to, and you do not drink every night only on weekends, you do not swear any more accept if you hit your finger with a hammer, then you qualify as a Christian. And there was no one who told me otherwise. This is the accepted way in some churches, even today.)
God was busy doing the first thing that is needed for us to turn to Him and that is to realise our depravity, sin and sinfulness. I was struggling on the inside about the evil in me and I would try to get rid of it by myself. So many times I tried to free myself from the grip of sin just to fail miserably. We went to youth camps where we would have times of spiritual “warming”. We would have our sins written on papers and throw it in the fire saying that as the paper is burned by the fire our sins are forgiven. We had our sins written on stones and would place it into a stream and as the water would wash the ink off the stone we said all our sins is also washed away. (And we accuse the Roman Catholics!) To some this might sound funny, but to me it was a cry for help. Those that thought the messages that is supposed to have the answer, did not have any answer for us (not because it’s not the answer but because we were not looking for the answer). If the young people of today could just realise that the answer is with (amongst) us.
When I went to the army (our national service) we were told to have a Bible at hand with every inspection, so my mother sent me a Bible. She wrote on the first page of the bible this verse. (Ps. 119:9) “How shall a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed and keeping watch [on himself] according to Your word [conforming his life to it].”
Oh! If I just opened it once and would have read it with understanding how different could my life have been!
Do you understand my dear friends, this is not playing around? On earth there is a Book that can give you life; it is the “Book of Life”. Call it what you want, God’s word, the Good News, the Gospel, we need to read it, believe it, and live it. They even use the word “Bible” as a sermon “Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth”. There is no other written book that holds so many truths, and answers for life, for a believing heart. It’s being rejected by thousands, but still millions find their answers and peace in it. No religion in the universe has the same message, a God that has a personal relationship with each of his children. Other religions have to make atonement to there gods to be worthy of them, our God comes and stays with His children and He gives them the atoning grace for free. Many religions try to copy this book and still we don’t see the truth. Almost all false religions need to use something from our God even if it is only to copy some of his rules into their religion.
My rebirth
All this was working towards one goal in my life and this point of change was coming up very fast, without me knowing that God was preparing me for the biggest event of my life.
It all happened on the 23rd of January 1991, the morning was no different from any others. We were working later as normal and were coming back from a town called Caledon in the Western Cape. The train tracks were going through a beautiful mountain pass. We left the last town before the pass and enter it with me knowing that we will be 3 hours later than usual. Then suddenly I realised something was not right with the train. I got up, walked to the driver and asked him what he thought the problem was. At that moment I could see the train starting to lean over to the left side. And then I realised the train was busy falling over.
While I was standing there in the middle of the train cab a thought came to me: “Today you are going to find out what will happen to you if you die”. Everything went black with white flashes every few seconds. Then suddenly it was pitch black. I experienced no pain and no senses of anything except that it still was pitch black and dead quiet. After a while I heard someone calling me, and in my ignorance I thought it must be an angel or the Apostle Peter coming to fetch me. Slowly it came to me that the person calling me did not know my name and that an angel or Peter will at least know my name. Then more of my senses came to me and I became more aware of my surroundings. I could feel someone wiping the sand from my face. The next thing I sensed was that someone’s feet was also hanging close to my face, I was still thinking whose it could be when I realised that it was the same shoes that I have. Then the whole picture dawned on me. I was rolled up like a piece of cloth, as the train skidded on the ground for 40 meters, it broke the bones in my body starting with my ankles, legs, hip, back, and the ribs on my left side. The driver was speaking to me to find out if I know where I was, but all I saw was the broken parts of my body, the blood and the smell of warm engine oil and diesel. The driver helped me to be comfortable and left to go and look for help. No cell phones at that stage and no radios for communication on the train.
While I was lying there I realised that I am going to die. My Zulu friends have a saying: “you must speak the truth like a dying man”. At that moment I did not try to justify myself, I knew if I die now I was going to hell and I would deserve it. I had no excuses to say that I was not warned. Then I did what every person does if they come to stand before the Almighty God, “BEG”, and that I did. If you ever heard a guy plea for mercy I did that, I pleaded to God to give me a second chance I said that I know that I don’t deserve His mercy but just to give me a second chance. Although I said that He must not give me another chance if I won’t serve him 100%. I will also dedicate the rest of my life to his work. More or less a meter from Hell I gave my self over to the mercy of God. (I realised if the train just went another meter forward I would have been kill and ended up in Hell)
More or less at that moment a policeman came running onto a heap of sand that was next to me. He just looked at me, gave one swear word and ran back (to fetch the ambulance people). When I saw this, knowing that policemen see the worst of the worst that was my answer, I am not going to make it. The ambulance people came and they did what they had to do. Not getting any veins for a drip they decided to load me into the ambulance and get me to a hospital. At the hospital the doctor came and picked up the blanket that was covering me. He said there was nothing they can do for me at this hospital because they did not have the required equipment. I was loaded into the ambulance once again and transported to another hospital, the Medi City Clinic in Vergelegen, in the Strand. At this stage I lost consciousness and only woke up a week later.
As I was laying in the ICU the nursing sister looking after me was standing next to me while I was gaining consciousness. When she saw I was waking up she said she wanted to ask me a question, (they still were not sure if I would make it). She asked me if I knew God. I could tell her that although I did not know God before, I do now, because I met him the day before (I was not aware of the fact that it was already a week later.) I could tell her even though I had a lot of pain in my body I have a lot of joy in my heart, because I met the Lord Jesus under a train. God placed me in the hands of one of the world’s most talented and capable orthopaedic surgeons, Roger Close.
After about 3 months in hospital I was allowed to go home. In these months it was as if our Lord Jesus was ministering to me personally, He gave me answers on all my questions. (And I had a lot of questions.)
Oh! The life of victory!
As you can imagine, I was so overwhelmed by everything happening to me up till now. I realised now God gave me a second chance and I had this burning of gratitude inside me for everything He did for me. When I got back home from the hospital I immediately started my life doing everything to the glory of God’s name. I went back to my congregation and was on fire for God. I did not deliberately sin anymore and had no urge for sinning. It felt fantastic. For the first year it went well and I was so glad to receive a second chance in life. Everyone was also glad that I survived the accident and was happy for my new found happiness in the Lord. (Maybe they could see I was a much more pleasant person.)
At this stage I started noticing that I am losing ground again. Some of my “friends” in our youth group were getting unhappy with me because I was too spiritual. I did not want to play around anymore. All I wanted to do was to have devotions, and I kept on insisting that we should get our lives right with God. For some of them it became such an embarrassment, that they came to me and said if this is the way I am going to be I don’t have to come to their houses anymore. So slowly it was dawning on me that I’m losing my “friends” and I was starting to feel lonely. But on the other hand I wanted to serve God with all my heart. I did not want to loose the precious gift I received from God.
To make sure that I don’t loose ground I started to try anything to keep my spiritual state. I went to all the different Christian gatherings I could. Whenever there were Christian speakers in SA, I would be there. I started to go with others to visit the members of our congregations that did not come to church anymore and we spoke to them. All this did not help me to feel better, although some of the things we did was a blessing to me spiritually. Still there was a feeling of emptiness inside that I or whatever I did could not fill.
I made a lot of mistakes, because I thought what was needed was a more spiritual life. I was becoming more and more unhappy with my church. I started to blame them for my spiritual state. I started to look for a church that was more spiritual than mine. In my eyes such a church would be where they sing loud and put their arms in the air and swing with the music, they I thought were more spiritual. But the more I visited these churchs, the more I realised that they had the same problems I had. At this stage the devil tried to get me doubting that there were anything better in the spiritual life and that I must just accept my spiritual state and go on with my life. Luckily for me God did not give up on me at this point.
There was a girl whom I knew, in one of the youth groups of another congregation that we frequently visited. I noticed that she has changed, but I could not understand what her problem was. She was always game for everything and now suddenly she was not doing anything. If we asked her if she wants to come with us, she would decline and said she was going to her new youth group for bible study. We were getting very upset with her because we were getting the idea she was thinking she is better than us and we are not good enough for her. (Of course this was our consciences condemning us, because we could see that her life was changed and it was starting to convict us of our sins).
Then at one stage I was again struggling in my spiritual life that was on a type of spiritual survival mode. It was a constant battle not to backslide, but also a battle just to go forward. At this stage I decided to phone this girl, because I wanted to talk to her. I phoned her and when I asked to see her she confused me even more. I said I will meet her at a coffee shop. This was the way we always did it. She said no, and I could not understand it. I said to her we were just going to drink coffee and she said that she has met God and she does not want to be with boys alone even in public places. This was totally odd even I became offended that she had this attitude of no boy contact. This girl was even wiser. We spoke on the phone and I told her that I just wanted to speak to her because I saw that her life has changed. She went to her counsellor and told him that I was contacting her and that she thinks I’m seeking spiritual help. They decided to send a brother to me which also knew me for a long time.
He just came to my house one day and started to talk to me. Interestingly how it is when someone who is spirit filled enters your life and you just start telling them all your problems. This was very unusual for me, because I did not want to really tell all my problems to him, but I found myself telling him about how sad I am that I do not know any people that was willing to serve the Lord wholeheartedly and that I am afraid that I am going to backslide if I don’t find any people that wants to serve Him with all their heart, because I was finding it difficult to remain standing while I was alone.
This brother then started to invite me to their congregation, but I was still a bit cautious and always had an excuse not to go. Finally I agreed to go for a “braai”. After that I went for a youth meeting with him. Whilst at this youth meeting the Pastor asked me if I would like to go on a Congregation camp. Immediately I started making excuses not to go and they left it there. Then the youth pastor started to read from the Bible in Proverbs. Ever since then Proverbs is one of my favourite books in the Bible.
Everything they spoke off in Proverbs in the group suddenly made more sense to me. They did not try to explain what it did not mean, they said what it meant and that was it. As I sat there I just realised how the Bible was to be read, (read it, believe it and do it, no frills or fuss!) This is how Christianity should be and suddenly I felt a rush of excitement inside me as if life were poured into me. At the end of this Bible study I was the first to stand in line to give my name for the camp that I initially did not want to go on.
As I was attending the youth group I heard about something totally strange and unfamiliar to me. That was confession of sins (take note, I said sins not sin). This idea was totally new to me and the only time I heard of confession of sin was when people mentioned the Roman Catholic Church and I was put off immediately. First of all I had to tell another human being about my past. (With a past like mine that was out of the question!)
Secondly I was taught that God gives you the power to overcome sin by yourself. (It’s like telling a baby of 3 months to walk because all human beings can walk). From my previous spiritual encounters with different churches I was under the impression that Jesus died for my sins and that was enough. (Jesus died for our sins and because of that I don’t sin anymore if I accept Him as my Saviour and if i do sin it not sin because Jesus died for me. Shame some people really like to lie to themselves! No person will be sinless but there is victory over the bondage of sin through Jesus Christ, and this I never heard before.) "Christ came not to cover over, make excuse for, or give liberty to sin, but to give us uninterrupted victory,"
Now it happened that after a while the devil tried to convince me that I am the same person that I was before my conversion. That nothing has changed and that I am deceiving myself. This became a big anguish in me, especially the fact that all my old sins was thrown before me. Previously the only way to handle this was to accept this and to go on living a life of enduring the ups and downs. But I was so sure of the fact that God had started a new work in my life and this cannot be all there was for the children of the living God.
How strange, if during this one awful solitary season of temptation(AKA as life), our Father should design for us a long drawn-out, continuous, miserable defeat. Commanded to depart from all iniquity: He came "to save His people from their sins;" I was really desponded about what was happening to me. I decided to go and speak to this pastor. He told me something very interesting. One of the names the Bible has for the devil is “accuser” and that is what he will do to the person that loves God. This was still not good news to me, although I realised now what was happening to me but I still had to live with this in my life. The pastor gave me some of the best advice that I still use till this day. “Confess everything that satan is troubling you with in prayer together with someone.”
Now, I was at a crossroad in my life and knew that the decision, whatever it is I will make, would be the one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Being tired about trying the advice people gave me that did not work I did not know what to do next. Being desperate and still hoping for something better in my spiritual life I decided to put this to the test and I started confessing my sins. At first I only confess the ones that were not so bad and shocking. The moment I walked out of the room it felt as if a burden of unspeakable weight was lifted off my shoulders.
After this the devil did not even try to accuse me of the things that I confessed because I had now confirmation that every sin was confessed. (Since then the devil changed from my accuser to my secretary. Every time he would come and remind me of some thing of my past I would write it down and at the earliest possible moment go to my counsellor to pray with him about it). I can’t explain to you what a relieve it was to know that my sins was forgiven and that I was slowly been set free from the bondage of sin.
The words that describe it best are those of John Wesley, "When the Holy Spirit fills the heart of a believer, He feasts the soul with such peace and joy in God as to blot out the remembrance of everything that we called peace and joy before."
Do we realise that there is a life free of the bondage of sin and it is only through our Lord Jesus Christ the Son of the living God. No other religion gave it to me, not even some Christian denominations were able to give me the answer to my problems. Previously I went to pastors and asked them to help me because I did things with girls that I knew was not right for a Christian to do. One of them said I should not be troubled by it, because it is the normal thing for a man to do. Sadly some people that are supposed to help you are themselves in need and did not even know how to help themselves, let alone others.
Now for the first time I heard of my sins and the dangers of it, but also the deliverance from it. For most of my Christian life I had to be content with the “normal” way of a Christian life, and now for the first time I could experience the real Christian way of living that the Bible speaks about. There is nothing anyone can do to get this or receive it on merit, but it is only through the atoning blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. After a few years I can reflect on this and ask myself how it was possible not to see this earlier, but I know God has to prepare the way for every child of His.
My sister was a Christian and she would from time to time invite me to go to her youth group. This I handled with mixed emotions, but one day I decided to go and see what makes some Christians happier than other people. What I found was that there were a lot of nice girls and they were so friendly. I obviously did not go for the right reasons! For some reason Christian girls think they must be friendlier towards men, to be Christian. I also found out some of them was not so Christian-like, as they were supposed to be. And this confused me even more. On the one hand I had all the girls available and ready, but on the other hand I thought this is not how a Christian should be. Things I thought was forbidden in Christian life we did in the church. If I was looking for someone to go dancing, I could ask any girl in the church. The only girls that I did not go out with were the ones that I did not want to ask. (Fortunately for them!)
One of the most confusing times in my life started then, because although I liked the freedom we had in the church I also started to realise that what I am doing was not right. This was when one of my biggest battles started. Here I was standing in the middle of enjoying sin and the way of righteousness. (The devil’s recruiting ground is right on the doorsteps and inside the Church).
In a sense being in the church gave me something that I needed, the feeling of wholeness, but I just could not grasp this by myself, try as I may. Now after a year or so of calling myself a ‘Christian’! (I thought if you do not jump into bed with every girl, only the ones that want to, and you do not drink every night only on weekends, you do not swear any more accept if you hit your finger with a hammer, then you qualify as a Christian. And there was no one who told me otherwise. This is the accepted way in some churches, even today.)
God was busy doing the first thing that is needed for us to turn to Him and that is to realise our depravity, sin and sinfulness. I was struggling on the inside about the evil in me and I would try to get rid of it by myself. So many times I tried to free myself from the grip of sin just to fail miserably. We went to youth camps where we would have times of spiritual “warming”. We would have our sins written on papers and throw it in the fire saying that as the paper is burned by the fire our sins are forgiven. We had our sins written on stones and would place it into a stream and as the water would wash the ink off the stone we said all our sins is also washed away. (And we accuse the Roman Catholics!) To some this might sound funny, but to me it was a cry for help. Those that thought the messages that is supposed to have the answer, did not have any answer for us (not because it’s not the answer but because we were not looking for the answer). If the young people of today could just realise that the answer is with (amongst) us.
When I went to the army (our national service) we were told to have a Bible at hand with every inspection, so my mother sent me a Bible. She wrote on the first page of the bible this verse. (Ps. 119:9) “How shall a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed and keeping watch [on himself] according to Your word [conforming his life to it].”
Oh! If I just opened it once and would have read it with understanding how different could my life have been!
Do you understand my dear friends, this is not playing around? On earth there is a Book that can give you life; it is the “Book of Life”. Call it what you want, God’s word, the Good News, the Gospel, we need to read it, believe it, and live it. They even use the word “Bible” as a sermon “Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth”. There is no other written book that holds so many truths, and answers for life, for a believing heart. It’s being rejected by thousands, but still millions find their answers and peace in it. No religion in the universe has the same message, a God that has a personal relationship with each of his children. Other religions have to make atonement to there gods to be worthy of them, our God comes and stays with His children and He gives them the atoning grace for free. Many religions try to copy this book and still we don’t see the truth. Almost all false religions need to use something from our God even if it is only to copy some of his rules into their religion.
My rebirth
All this was working towards one goal in my life and this point of change was coming up very fast, without me knowing that God was preparing me for the biggest event of my life.
It all happened on the 23rd of January 1991, the morning was no different from any others. We were working later as normal and were coming back from a town called Caledon in the Western Cape. The train tracks were going through a beautiful mountain pass. We left the last town before the pass and enter it with me knowing that we will be 3 hours later than usual. Then suddenly I realised something was not right with the train. I got up, walked to the driver and asked him what he thought the problem was. At that moment I could see the train starting to lean over to the left side. And then I realised the train was busy falling over.
While I was standing there in the middle of the train cab a thought came to me: “Today you are going to find out what will happen to you if you die”. Everything went black with white flashes every few seconds. Then suddenly it was pitch black. I experienced no pain and no senses of anything except that it still was pitch black and dead quiet. After a while I heard someone calling me, and in my ignorance I thought it must be an angel or the Apostle Peter coming to fetch me. Slowly it came to me that the person calling me did not know my name and that an angel or Peter will at least know my name. Then more of my senses came to me and I became more aware of my surroundings. I could feel someone wiping the sand from my face. The next thing I sensed was that someone’s feet was also hanging close to my face, I was still thinking whose it could be when I realised that it was the same shoes that I have. Then the whole picture dawned on me. I was rolled up like a piece of cloth, as the train skidded on the ground for 40 meters, it broke the bones in my body starting with my ankles, legs, hip, back, and the ribs on my left side. The driver was speaking to me to find out if I know where I was, but all I saw was the broken parts of my body, the blood and the smell of warm engine oil and diesel. The driver helped me to be comfortable and left to go and look for help. No cell phones at that stage and no radios for communication on the train.
While I was lying there I realised that I am going to die. My Zulu friends have a saying: “you must speak the truth like a dying man”. At that moment I did not try to justify myself, I knew if I die now I was going to hell and I would deserve it. I had no excuses to say that I was not warned. Then I did what every person does if they come to stand before the Almighty God, “BEG”, and that I did. If you ever heard a guy plea for mercy I did that, I pleaded to God to give me a second chance I said that I know that I don’t deserve His mercy but just to give me a second chance. Although I said that He must not give me another chance if I won’t serve him 100%. I will also dedicate the rest of my life to his work. More or less a meter from Hell I gave my self over to the mercy of God. (I realised if the train just went another meter forward I would have been kill and ended up in Hell)
More or less at that moment a policeman came running onto a heap of sand that was next to me. He just looked at me, gave one swear word and ran back (to fetch the ambulance people). When I saw this, knowing that policemen see the worst of the worst that was my answer, I am not going to make it. The ambulance people came and they did what they had to do. Not getting any veins for a drip they decided to load me into the ambulance and get me to a hospital. At the hospital the doctor came and picked up the blanket that was covering me. He said there was nothing they can do for me at this hospital because they did not have the required equipment. I was loaded into the ambulance once again and transported to another hospital, the Medi City Clinic in Vergelegen, in the Strand. At this stage I lost consciousness and only woke up a week later.
As I was laying in the ICU the nursing sister looking after me was standing next to me while I was gaining consciousness. When she saw I was waking up she said she wanted to ask me a question, (they still were not sure if I would make it). She asked me if I knew God. I could tell her that although I did not know God before, I do now, because I met him the day before (I was not aware of the fact that it was already a week later.) I could tell her even though I had a lot of pain in my body I have a lot of joy in my heart, because I met the Lord Jesus under a train. God placed me in the hands of one of the world’s most talented and capable orthopaedic surgeons, Roger Close.
After about 3 months in hospital I was allowed to go home. In these months it was as if our Lord Jesus was ministering to me personally, He gave me answers on all my questions. (And I had a lot of questions.)
Oh! The life of victory!
As you can imagine, I was so overwhelmed by everything happening to me up till now. I realised now God gave me a second chance and I had this burning of gratitude inside me for everything He did for me. When I got back home from the hospital I immediately started my life doing everything to the glory of God’s name. I went back to my congregation and was on fire for God. I did not deliberately sin anymore and had no urge for sinning. It felt fantastic. For the first year it went well and I was so glad to receive a second chance in life. Everyone was also glad that I survived the accident and was happy for my new found happiness in the Lord. (Maybe they could see I was a much more pleasant person.)
At this stage I started noticing that I am losing ground again. Some of my “friends” in our youth group were getting unhappy with me because I was too spiritual. I did not want to play around anymore. All I wanted to do was to have devotions, and I kept on insisting that we should get our lives right with God. For some of them it became such an embarrassment, that they came to me and said if this is the way I am going to be I don’t have to come to their houses anymore. So slowly it was dawning on me that I’m losing my “friends” and I was starting to feel lonely. But on the other hand I wanted to serve God with all my heart. I did not want to loose the precious gift I received from God.
To make sure that I don’t loose ground I started to try anything to keep my spiritual state. I went to all the different Christian gatherings I could. Whenever there were Christian speakers in SA, I would be there. I started to go with others to visit the members of our congregations that did not come to church anymore and we spoke to them. All this did not help me to feel better, although some of the things we did was a blessing to me spiritually. Still there was a feeling of emptiness inside that I or whatever I did could not fill.
I made a lot of mistakes, because I thought what was needed was a more spiritual life. I was becoming more and more unhappy with my church. I started to blame them for my spiritual state. I started to look for a church that was more spiritual than mine. In my eyes such a church would be where they sing loud and put their arms in the air and swing with the music, they I thought were more spiritual. But the more I visited these churchs, the more I realised that they had the same problems I had. At this stage the devil tried to get me doubting that there were anything better in the spiritual life and that I must just accept my spiritual state and go on with my life. Luckily for me God did not give up on me at this point.
There was a girl whom I knew, in one of the youth groups of another congregation that we frequently visited. I noticed that she has changed, but I could not understand what her problem was. She was always game for everything and now suddenly she was not doing anything. If we asked her if she wants to come with us, she would decline and said she was going to her new youth group for bible study. We were getting very upset with her because we were getting the idea she was thinking she is better than us and we are not good enough for her. (Of course this was our consciences condemning us, because we could see that her life was changed and it was starting to convict us of our sins).
Then at one stage I was again struggling in my spiritual life that was on a type of spiritual survival mode. It was a constant battle not to backslide, but also a battle just to go forward. At this stage I decided to phone this girl, because I wanted to talk to her. I phoned her and when I asked to see her she confused me even more. I said I will meet her at a coffee shop. This was the way we always did it. She said no, and I could not understand it. I said to her we were just going to drink coffee and she said that she has met God and she does not want to be with boys alone even in public places. This was totally odd even I became offended that she had this attitude of no boy contact. This girl was even wiser. We spoke on the phone and I told her that I just wanted to speak to her because I saw that her life has changed. She went to her counsellor and told him that I was contacting her and that she thinks I’m seeking spiritual help. They decided to send a brother to me which also knew me for a long time.
He just came to my house one day and started to talk to me. Interestingly how it is when someone who is spirit filled enters your life and you just start telling them all your problems. This was very unusual for me, because I did not want to really tell all my problems to him, but I found myself telling him about how sad I am that I do not know any people that was willing to serve the Lord wholeheartedly and that I am afraid that I am going to backslide if I don’t find any people that wants to serve Him with all their heart, because I was finding it difficult to remain standing while I was alone.
This brother then started to invite me to their congregation, but I was still a bit cautious and always had an excuse not to go. Finally I agreed to go for a “braai”. After that I went for a youth meeting with him. Whilst at this youth meeting the Pastor asked me if I would like to go on a Congregation camp. Immediately I started making excuses not to go and they left it there. Then the youth pastor started to read from the Bible in Proverbs. Ever since then Proverbs is one of my favourite books in the Bible.
Everything they spoke off in Proverbs in the group suddenly made more sense to me. They did not try to explain what it did not mean, they said what it meant and that was it. As I sat there I just realised how the Bible was to be read, (read it, believe it and do it, no frills or fuss!) This is how Christianity should be and suddenly I felt a rush of excitement inside me as if life were poured into me. At the end of this Bible study I was the first to stand in line to give my name for the camp that I initially did not want to go on.
As I was attending the youth group I heard about something totally strange and unfamiliar to me. That was confession of sins (take note, I said sins not sin). This idea was totally new to me and the only time I heard of confession of sin was when people mentioned the Roman Catholic Church and I was put off immediately. First of all I had to tell another human being about my past. (With a past like mine that was out of the question!)
Secondly I was taught that God gives you the power to overcome sin by yourself. (It’s like telling a baby of 3 months to walk because all human beings can walk). From my previous spiritual encounters with different churches I was under the impression that Jesus died for my sins and that was enough. (Jesus died for our sins and because of that I don’t sin anymore if I accept Him as my Saviour and if i do sin it not sin because Jesus died for me. Shame some people really like to lie to themselves! No person will be sinless but there is victory over the bondage of sin through Jesus Christ, and this I never heard before.) "Christ came not to cover over, make excuse for, or give liberty to sin, but to give us uninterrupted victory,"
Now it happened that after a while the devil tried to convince me that I am the same person that I was before my conversion. That nothing has changed and that I am deceiving myself. This became a big anguish in me, especially the fact that all my old sins was thrown before me. Previously the only way to handle this was to accept this and to go on living a life of enduring the ups and downs. But I was so sure of the fact that God had started a new work in my life and this cannot be all there was for the children of the living God.
How strange, if during this one awful solitary season of temptation(AKA as life), our Father should design for us a long drawn-out, continuous, miserable defeat. Commanded to depart from all iniquity: He came "to save His people from their sins;" I was really desponded about what was happening to me. I decided to go and speak to this pastor. He told me something very interesting. One of the names the Bible has for the devil is “accuser” and that is what he will do to the person that loves God. This was still not good news to me, although I realised now what was happening to me but I still had to live with this in my life. The pastor gave me some of the best advice that I still use till this day. “Confess everything that satan is troubling you with in prayer together with someone.”
Now, I was at a crossroad in my life and knew that the decision, whatever it is I will make, would be the one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Being tired about trying the advice people gave me that did not work I did not know what to do next. Being desperate and still hoping for something better in my spiritual life I decided to put this to the test and I started confessing my sins. At first I only confess the ones that were not so bad and shocking. The moment I walked out of the room it felt as if a burden of unspeakable weight was lifted off my shoulders.
After this the devil did not even try to accuse me of the things that I confessed because I had now confirmation that every sin was confessed. (Since then the devil changed from my accuser to my secretary. Every time he would come and remind me of some thing of my past I would write it down and at the earliest possible moment go to my counsellor to pray with him about it). I can’t explain to you what a relieve it was to know that my sins was forgiven and that I was slowly been set free from the bondage of sin.
The words that describe it best are those of John Wesley, "When the Holy Spirit fills the heart of a believer, He feasts the soul with such peace and joy in God as to blot out the remembrance of everything that we called peace and joy before."
Do we realise that there is a life free of the bondage of sin and it is only through our Lord Jesus Christ the Son of the living God. No other religion gave it to me, not even some Christian denominations were able to give me the answer to my problems. Previously I went to pastors and asked them to help me because I did things with girls that I knew was not right for a Christian to do. One of them said I should not be troubled by it, because it is the normal thing for a man to do. Sadly some people that are supposed to help you are themselves in need and did not even know how to help themselves, let alone others.
Now for the first time I heard of my sins and the dangers of it, but also the deliverance from it. For most of my Christian life I had to be content with the “normal” way of a Christian life, and now for the first time I could experience the real Christian way of living that the Bible speaks about. There is nothing anyone can do to get this or receive it on merit, but it is only through the atoning blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. After a few years I can reflect on this and ask myself how it was possible not to see this earlier, but I know God has to prepare the way for every child of His.
